Dreams aren't what they used to be *//

Friday, June 22, 2007

Two Months Ago.

Here is a bunch of stuff that happened from April 5, 2007 to today in case i failed to mention some, or I wasn't able to keep up. I took these out from my personal diary.

April 5, 2007:

"It's Kay's birthday today, she's 19."
"The entire thing with Mr. P had ended. It went from up to way down, and now to just in the middle. Up, which we texted everday, almost, spent a lot of time together during...[Oh, I'm not permitted to tell]. when we had changed *blank* and we'd see each other on *blank* we'd stop and talk or something. Then came the way-down stage where we stopped texting and even stopped talking to each other. I didn't want to run into him, it would be too awkward, and I'd keep wondering what happened and why it happened. I might never find out anymore. Finally the just-in-the-middle satge where we say 'hi' to each other when we see each other and it's no longer awkward. We don't really text anymore, though, I mean we do, but rarely. I don't really like him anymore, so it's okay."
"Then I admitted to myself that I was crushing on him. He's not exactly my type, but there's just something about him that keeps my attached to his nerdy look. Haha."
"Throughout the week we'd almost always see each other eye to eye and it would almost always be an "oops, he saw me looking," or a "Gee, he's looking , too" moment. Then at one time I sneaked a use on the pc and checked my Friendster, to my surprise, he was trying to add me up."

April 6, 2007:

"The bathroom has been clogged for some time now and 'bestfriend' found out and again had his speech. Ugh. I really don't see it as entirely our fault. Dad said it's probably clogged by the dirt and the dust that accumulated in the pipes. For years now, that bathroom hasn't been used, that's why all the dirt is in there."
"As I prayed in church last night, I asked God that if it turns out that we really aren't the ones to blame, would 'bestfriend' apologize for makeing a mistake? I really don't think he would."

April 7, 2007:

"What could it have been? One of my blog posts said that soemthing bad happened to me a long time ago and it implied that mommy knew it. I couldn't find it in any records I have--not even my diary posts in my Palm."

April 8, 2007:

"I just remembered today that I once had a textmate whose name, I think, is Vince where I got sick of him trying to flirt with me at one point. There was one time he called me in my cellphone when I was in UE RECTO and he kept on telling me that my voice was cute and really cute and I couldn't take it anymore so I told him not to say it ever again. I got really grossed out by him that I stopped texting him and told him via YM that I lost my phone and I would give him my number when I get a new one. After that, I went invisible on him (offline permanently to him only) and never texted him again."

April 9, 2007:

"Today was only the third time I swam in the pool since we moved here. We swam for a pretty long time so my nose is busted!"
"Denise is writing a story to enter the Pan-Asia anime competition in Animax. I hope she wins."

April 11, 2007:

"It was the first day of summer duty tpday. Yesterday was officially the first day of summer classes but we just had an orientation. I saw Mr. F the same day. He had a new haircut and a new bag. He was really cute."

April 17, 2007:

"Sunday night after driving daddy home I saw Jansen outside chowking (the one near his house). He was so fat and his hair is super long."
"...There should be better options, say Mr. P? I also found out that I still AM attracted to Mr. P because there was one time I saw hime and he still makes my heat flutter <3"

May 26, 2007:

"A bunch of new stuff happened from last time."
"For Spider-man 3, I watched it with Fidel. The movie was nice, but the date sucked. Reason's why I watched Spider-man 3 with Fidel: (1) Movie's free. It's a "date". (2) Dinner's free. (3) (Not that I want to want Fidel) Maybe it's good to be friends. Yeah, dinner and the movie was free, and I was hatid-sundo, but OMIGOD I so didn't enjoy time with him. He was so boring."
"The day, I mean night before finals, Mr. P texted me (using his Smart) if I studied. I said No. It's so cute that he texted me not free just to ask me if I studied. :)"

June 6, 2007:

"In 7 days from today, schol starts again. 4th year college na. Wow, time seems to go by so fast. I'm not thrilled to study, but being just less than a year form graduating I feel like I want to get it over with already."
"Fidel asked me out again for Pirate's yesterday morning for Friday. I declined. I don't want to go out with hime anymore even if everything's free,a nd that's friday, it's Music Station on Animax at 7 p.m. and Eiji Wentz is a guest (Yay :))."
"Hay nako, BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! Pero wala namang boyfriend!! Tsk, tsk. I have 7 on-call duties nga pala this semester. hay, very busy ako yata, I assume."

June 19, 2007:

"Bryan is a boring guy, like I can't even pretend that I'm interested in him. He only speaks of things about himself."
"Eiji Wentz is the cutest. <3 <3 <3"
"Tagal ko nang hindi nauupdate yung Multiply blog ko eventhough I've had opportunities. It's just that when I get there, I get bored of thinking about what to post. I'd rather have a copy."
"2 nights ago, I dreamt that Kay and I were in Recto across UE, adn Jerome proposed to her. "Thank You" na "Thank You" sha, but later on she told me she's not gonna marry him, the we rode a taxi and while we're there, it's either we found out, or we remembered that Jansen's dead."
"Kawawa naman daw si Jansen, so I asked Rose if he's ok, and he is. Good for him."
"It's Julika's birthday today kaya I told her I'll be loading sa Sun so we could text."

June 19, 2007 (PM):

"People just love keeping secrets about themselves. Some don't mind blurting it all out--just as long as it's not about them, but some keep secrets about themselves to the very core out of shame."
"I asked her and she didn't reply. Texted her again,a nd she still didn't reply. I guess I made a mistake of asking her about it."
"But yeah, maybe it's different for everyone. >sigh< I should apologize, but I'm just not sure I should today that it's HER day, or tomorrow when it's over. Although, I'm just itching to do so today."
"I checked on my weight this afternoon, remembering that I told Eli I'm 98 lbs. )from the last time I checked). Turns out, I'm only 96 lbs. Geez, it said that I'm underweight."
"...But hey, I didn't day I don't think being not thing in my own eyes is a bad thing I have to control. That would've been a partial confession of an anorexic."

There. Patience. :)

*~*

| 4:27 PM | |

Monday, January 22, 2007

Don't Judge Me,You Might Not Be Her Friend That I Am.

The 20th of January was another "Bestfriend*" Day. I shed SOME hair (against my will) after each time I shampoo, attempt to dry it with a towel, and brush it right after, but that's basically IT. I don't lose my hair at any other time of the day unless I pull it out myself or somebody else does. Ouch, by the way. A couple of weeks ago, "Bestfriend" told us to pick up the shed hair that MIGHT CLOG THE SHOWER DRAIN. True to his command, we do pick it up (against OUR will, this time). Then on the 20th of January, he scolded us (or parang ganon kasi his regular tone seems either like a bellow,or a shout) that we shouldn't (or I shouldn't) leave my shed hair OUT of the shower (note: OUT), that's the lavatory area. I'm a self-acclaimed pilosopong Tasya. I'm Ms. Sarcastic. So, instead of the usual, "Nakakainis talaga si Bestfriend, lahat na lang pinapakielaman," I settled the issue with silent laughs. Twisting the logic is just exciting this time. Haha. However,I still felt inis because he reprimanded us about our alarms that go off several times during the morningwithout either one of the two of us (Denise and I) getting up. What does he care, honestly? He bugs the hell out of my shedding hair. Haha. It all makes sense in a tiny little circle that is the reasoning area of his brain. Haha, again.

The 21st of January gave me mixed feelings of dread, nostalgia, and the feeling of moving away again.
DREAD: Switching from a bedroom from the ground floor to the next room on the 2nd floor, we MIGHT not have a Cable TV inside the room. "Masyado na yata maraming naka-connect dun sa box, baka lumabo na yung cable." (They're LEGAL, anyway.) The TV might stay outside of the room, in the sala-like upper floor lounge. NOOO! Goodbye to our daily marathons and post-midnight channel flicking! NOOO!
NOSTALGIA: Picking up my stuff and moving them upstairs showed me some of the things I'd rather not see anymore. The Mom memories. AGAIN.
I need not elaborate on the FEELING OFMOVING AWAY AGAIN since the last two topics might have given you the idea, anyway.
Denise and I finished moving and fixing at exactly 12:00 am when I attempted to write THIS blog on paper but failed to do so due to tired and lazy eyes. Half of a good news arrived, though, despite the fatigue of going down then going up carrying stuff NOT IN BOXES. "Sabi ng tito niyo bibili daw siya ng shelf para sa tv diyan." YES! Does that mean we are going to have a tv inside the room? And that having a tv inside the room means CABLE TV? Then YES! That IS good news! Even better is that our bedroom now is actually way bigger than the one we had downstairs. The windows no longer have dirty, Green curtains, but clean, Off-White, flower-adorned blinds! "Ingatan niyo yung blinds, ha. 4, 500 ang bili ko diyan." OH YEAH! :)

My Achi hasn't been an easy sleeper since her systemic lower UTI (Pyelonephritis) 3 years ago. 2 years ago, she could barely take the pressure anymore of staying up until 6 or so in the morning so she has started to take Melatonin, pills that would knock her out within 30 minutes of taking them. Since the move to their house, she never had even one pill of that and the pressure is once again back. Gino gave her one medication which he had. Ate Niki said it would make her sleep.I asked her to show it to me and it was gabapentin Neurontin. It WOULD make her sleep but that's not the indication of the medication. It's the side-effect. I had one patient who had that in the past and I can remember it being an anticonvulsant to prevent post-herpetic neuralgia. The point is, Gino had Shingles pala. Kawawa naman. He showed me the marks of the damaged along his chest and abdomen. That's weird.

I have a friend that I'm fearing that her life might fall apart or might BE FALLING apart. She's a very good friend of mine and I have always known her as the responsible type of student, who pays attention in class, doesn't miss classes, and still able to manage her boy-crazy life. But a couple of months ago, she moved to a dormitory and a little later than that, she and another friend of mine's (who happens to live in a dorm nearby) been going out a lot with guys and going to bars hours on end. Now, she's just too different and too difficult to talk to. She seems.. lost. But I couldn't tell her becuase she might tell me I'm just inggit. Sure,I wouldn't mind having alot of guys in the palm of my hands, but I don't want to lose control of my life any more than I did when my ex and I broke up last August 2006. I keep telling myself now that maybe she knows what she's doing. Maybe she does, because after all, I know she is responsible, right? But the excessive boy-crazy life has been bugging me a lot about her lately. I don't even talk to her much because I no longer have anything to tell her. I'm beginning to see her as a disaster or a disaster in the making, and I'm sorry that I'm a coward that I couldn't even try telling her. Don't judge me, you might not be her friend that I am.

*~*

| 4:20 PM | |

Friday, December 22, 2006

Missing Christmas.

It's just 3 days before Christmas and my mind hasn't gone into Christmas-mode yet. It's just that all I can see and hear is nursing. Dammit. Our developing gastrocnemius muscles from going up five floors for three weeks, five days a week.. Or our hearts going on tachycardia from, again, going up to the 5th floor.. Or turning into Cushing's Syndrome patients while eating a normal Mcdonald's lunch.. Or getting used to the suffixes of ACE inhibitors and Beta-Blockers and steroids.
Somehow, hearing these words bring me closer to actually learn to appreciate my course. I still don't fancy it, but I like it better now than before.. Or is it just because I nearly failed my first semester and that out of that fear, I've come to copy each bit of information I can get from my lectures from the first hour we had it. My Gosh, I even write them on a scratch paper and then copy it on my notebook when I get home just so that my writings in my notebook will be clean and not my chicken-scratched writing when I'm in a hurry.
However, I just want to feel Christmas. The cold weather, the nice people, the gifts, the lights, the Christmas trees, the people going to simbang gabi.. I can see all of that or rather I have seen all of that just this week. I've been feeling the cold weather every morning when I wake up at 4a.m. for my morning duty in the Pay hospital and every night just before I go to sleep.. I've been with nice people--my family, my friends.. I've seen gifts under our big Christmas tree.. There are also alot of Christmas lights around the village and in our house.. I have seen people going to church at 5:15 in the morning just when I'm about to go to duty. It has been nice to see and feel those things, but I haven't got the Christmas spirit in me yet. How sad. :(
Maybe it is a sad Christmas.
But I don't want to look at it that way. Christmas should always be fun.. That's why once again, my sisters and I, and now together with GINO will write our Christmas letters.. Or rather construct our creative Christmas letters. Yehey! :) Haha! and how old are we?? It might be the closest to Christmas we'll ever feel until we're all together as one real family like before.
* * * * * *
Today was our last day of school before hibernating for Christmas. Janella and I are planning to get new hamsters. I want to buy another one that looks like Scraps, and Denise and I have been thinking of new names for it and we've got 4, I think? If it's a girl, I could name it Clover, Sugar, or Apple. If it's a guy, I could name it Clover (too!) or Kiro (Don't ask.) I want a cute name, and I'm going to ask Janella to name hers Orange, like she was thinking about a while ago for her big stuffed dog.
The whole batch attended their own shift's case presentation, and it felt like the first time that everyone saw everyone again. People are screaming (?) in excitement, it's so fun. It was the last day before Christmas vacation yet it felt like the first time you've seen all of your friends altogether after months. It's was really fun, considering that I'm not a fan of big crowds.
I sat in on the night shift's case presentation just when they're about to finish it, I wanted to commute with Cess because the last time I saw her was Saturday after my Technical Writing class in UE Recto. That Saturday was also the first time I saw her since I don't even remember when. It's a pretty nice feeling to see my old classmates from my first and second years in college. They're classic. :)

*~*

| 8:13 PM | |

Monday, April 10, 2006

He is an Unbelievable Letdown.

- Jansen

- Mm

- Elinor

Conversation # 1 (Jansen and Mm)

"Hindi na kaya ako sumama sa Naga."

"Huh? Bahala ka."

Conversation # 2 (Jansen and Mm)

"You're so indecisive kasi, pabago-bago decisions mo. Ano ba gagawin mo sa summer, magtatrabaho ka ba o hinde?"

"Magtatrabaho."

"Ay, Ewan ko."

"See?! Saan ka ba mag-aaral, sa UST o sa UE?"

"Ewan ko. Magddriving lessons pa nga ako eh."

"Eh after non?"

"Hindi ko alam. Gusto ko mag-gym, may summer job pa ako. O liligawan kita."

*laughs* "You can do THAT while you work. And just so you know, wala na kayang ligawan ngayon."

"Ganun ba yun?"

"I mean seriously, may nakikita ka pa bang nagliligawan ngayon?"

"Onga noh."

Conversation # 3 (Jansen and Mm)

"Yun ang gagawin ko sa Holy Week, magssoul-searching."

"Ng ano?"

"Ippromise ko sa sarili ko na hindi na ako mag-oovernight (sa bahay ng iba.)"

"Wow. Dapat nga. Meron naman kasing mga tao na nagccontrol non sayo, ayaw mo naman magpacontrol."

"Ayokong si Mama Jane, gusto ko ikaw."

"Ako nga! Sinasabi ko sayo last time na go home na pero wala, ayaw mo naman."

Conversation # 4 (Jansen and Mm)

"Magsstay na lang ako sa bahay ni Kem. Mag-isa lang yun sa bahay eh."

"Ano ba yan? Akala ko ba hindi ka na mag-oovernight?"

"After Holy Week."

"Hay nako."

Conversation # 5 (Jansen and Mm)

"Eh kung lumabas naman tayo pag hindi ako sumama sa Naga, san tayo magkikita, Top Mart?" *laughs*

*laughs* "Hinde, sa baywalk. *laughs* RP."

"Bakit bukas ba RP pag Holy Week?"

"Ewan ko, pag Christmas kasi bukas sila eh."

"Baka sarado."

"Hay nako kahit umikot-ikot lang tayo dito sa Malate, ok lang."

*laughs*

Conversation # 6 (Elinor and Mm)

"Ayaw na nga niya umuwi sa Naga eh."

"Ok lang yun, edi pumunta ka sa bahay niya araw-araw."

"Sira. Hindi pwede noh."

Conversation # 7 (Jansen and Mm)

"Dismissed na ko, masusundo mo ba ko?"

"Hindi eh..[something I can't make out]"

"Ah, okay, sige magttext na lang ako."

SMS Conversation # 1 (Jansen and Mm)

"Bt ndi?"

"Hnd ako mkaAls nguUsap p kme.Ayko kc smama s naga"

"Ah cge..Sorry 2mwag ako..Cge taxi nlng ako..Bt yw mo smama?"

"Bsta.InaAway ako grbe.BdtrP"

SMS Conversation # 2 (Jansen and Mm)

"Wla nko s house.Nsa ust ako,pnta kng blaCan.Ngusap n kme ni mama jane hnd nko sasama sa naga. Sna hnd k glt kc ngusap nMn kme n mama jane"

Conversation # 8 (Jansen and Mm)

"Uy, dko na-gets yun tinext mo."

"Low batt na ko, low batt."

"Hay nako..Cge, cge text na lang."

SMS Conversation # 3 (Jansen and Mm)

"D ako glt..Pnta ka Bulacan 4how long?Bt ka nsa UST?"

"I dnt knw untl whn.Sb nla mama jane 20 p dw cla bBlik."

"Nde,ikaw.Anu ba ggwn mo sa Bulacan?"

"May pRctce kc kme 2mrw.Wla il stay nlng munsa doN.Eat your dner na"

"Ah ok.I ate na."

"Ru mad bA"

"No,not really."

"Anung nt realy.Bkt gnun"

"Wla..Kla ko d kna sama tpos sa house ka lang.Holy week noh,u have ur so-called "resolution." where did it go?I dno."

"After ths i pRmise.When they cme bAck.I realy mean it nw.SorRy na"

"Kelan mo naman balak bmlk?I dnt undrstnd what's wrong with ur house..Dka mpakali,u always wna b on the go n out of the house.Bt kya gnun."

"SorRy na.And wla akng key sa house"

"Yeah whatever."

"= c"

"What?You're the one who's far away,not me."

* * * * * * * * * *

It would never end, would it? He's like that all the time. The only available week I have. Next week, I'm going to school again, so it's very difficult to see him already. I go home at 5 p.m. except Friday's. He's so unfair. And why can't you have a key to your own house? He is the only person other than the parents who responsibly stays inside the house. His brother is like 7 or 8, of course his brother won't have a key. But he SHOULD. I had a key to our house when I was in grade 6. Since I was in grade 6, I've swithced houses for 2 times--and I had keys. It's just not right. It's not supposed to be the reason why you're not going to stay home while your family's away. I wish he would just go to Naga. I'd rather hear him with his family far away and not be able to see him than hear him not with his family far away and still not be able to see him.

*~*

| 9:43 PM | |

Sunday, January 29, 2006

New Year, New Happenings.

This day was, like, the longest school day ever. Normally, Saturdays would last for 4 hours, max. RLE is the only subject on Saturdays and we always spend the whole morning only. But today was different, we had no professor -- we only had to finish the tallying of the survey tools from the community then create master tables for everyone to fill. I didn't expect it to last as long as it did. By lunchtime, everyone was almost done tallying their own surveys. At about 1:30 or so, A couple of our blockmates started constructing the tables with their new markers and 12-inch rulers on a roll of large, crispy brown paper. Hours later, more and more of our blockmates are starting to help out and I was already writing down, in pencil, our group's tallied results. Soon enough, people started to realize that the construction was taking such a long time; the original writers had their hands blackened with already-then re-filled markers and their 12-inch rulers that already had black sides, a handful of people not doing anything related to the schoolwork were getting bored and impatient. It was already 5 p.m.. We didn't finish an hour after that. As I come to think of it, we hadn't really achieved the necessary information inside the tables. But our professor let us go at 7 p.m. -- Not exactly the earliest and most pleasant time of departure from school, huh? After the longest minutes of squatting and standing amidst the discussionof all the wrong things we wrote in the master table and the chaos of me and my blockmates continuously fumbling on our own tally sheets and markers and walking the distance between my school and the nearest train station and standing in the cold, hard, shiny stairs of the mall where my shobe and I had to wait for our father to pick us up and standing in front of the bank in the ground floor of our building while desperately trying to listen to the endless speech of my father who wouldn't let us go, my feet were screaming in horrible agony about half an inch below my big toes (where the line of my doll shoes touches my feet). Now, I'm having a very difficult time walking in shoes or even in my flattest, most comfortable slippers so much that I have to walk around the house barefoot if I want to risk my health or wear socks. I prefer the latter. My feet are bruised where I told you it hurts. .:sob:.
But it's the Chinese New Year. Cheers -- Happy New Year to me. We ate Pansit and Lechon and drank Red Wine for Noche Buena. Great food but not the greatest drink I've had in my life. My mom gave us little card-like things that we had to keep in our purse for "safety." When I got hold of that I kissed it and kept it in my fluffy pink wallet only to find out that both my shobe and achi had done the same thing I did -- they kissed theirs, too, during different times. Apparently, those are the kinds of things I put more of my interest in to than listening to our mother telling us stories about her (ew, gross.) sex life, which, is so eerie.
I vowed to myself that this year is going to be MY year.. Though I have nothing even as much as the slightest idea how I would pull that off.

*~*

| 1:55 AM | |